He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
