My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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