i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
