On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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