So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
