im having a threesome with these popsicles
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
