so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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