also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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