I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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