Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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