you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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