my sisters under your porch take her home
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
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