Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
