capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am spending my child support on dildos
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
