Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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