So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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