Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
