So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you traded sex for a burrito?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
