i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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