Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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