dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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