A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize