You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
