haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
