And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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