Umm I'm too high to move.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
