My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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