I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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