I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
