i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's just like the Real World with babies
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
