Swine flu is the new snow day.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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