The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she told me i tasted like america
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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