how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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