Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
