I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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