Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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