I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
