So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't deserve a penis
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
