I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
