Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
