textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
