Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
