dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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