im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
