I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
