after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
