there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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