how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
