OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
