My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
