I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You made out with two different species that night
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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