She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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