i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
