I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
