im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
