His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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