your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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