tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
